This blog has been left unattended for far too long... I've known for several weeks that an update was much needed, but I honestly haven't had the motivation. Call it laziness, call it craziness, call it what you like... It just hasn't been there.
I guess the most pressing piece of news is that my grandpa lost his battle with cancer.
...That's a lot harder to type than I thought it would be.
Moving on... What began with a diagnosis some eight months ago resulted in his very abrupt passing. He spent September through January trying all kinds of at-home treatments... Major changes in his diet and lifestyle, drinking "swamp water" from a guy in Port Charlotte, sitting in a "magic chair" with some other local guy, along with just thinking positively. This in itself was a major battle... About 3% of the people who are diagnosed with his cancer live past 10 months. Of that 3%, very few make it to the 11th month. So when conventional treatments mixed with home remedies failed, he came to Tulsa. The Cancer Treatment Center of America hospital combined cutting edge technology with old school homeopathic remedies. He did really well out here... Until about Easter, when I visited him and discovered he was having some major hallucinations. And between Easter and May 3rd, he slid fast downhill.
He came back to Tulsa a week before he died, and they told him that the cancer had progressed, and spread to his liver. I sat in the room with him, my mom, and his doctor as he relayed the news. The doctor said that if Pap was his dad, he wouldn't continue treatment. Pap's response was that he was going to see his wife; my grandma who lost her battle with this cancer four years ago. He told everyone this as he shared the news... "But I get to go see my wife."
I cried. A lot. Mom and Pap flew back to Fort Myers, and I got a flight out shortly after they returned home. I ended up getting a flight sooner than I would have liked, but it worked out for the better. My flight was scheduled to land at about 6:20pm Monday night. Pap passed at about 5:28pm.
I remember walking down the hall at hospice... A long, wide, empty hall. Hospice is made to look like a comforting place, but I felt everything but comfortable. I came around the corner, and there stood my mom, uncle, aunt, and a close friend of my aunt's (Allison). I was carrying my backpack, still in a daze from almost 12 hours of airports and airplanes. My stepdad (Butch) picked me up at the airport, and said very little about Pap or his condition... I think my brain knew the chances of him hanging on until I got home were slim, but my heart had to remain optimistic to just get me there.
Mom told me he had passed, and I felt my knees buckle. I hugged her, and fell apart. I felt so defeated; like I tried so hard to get home, and I was too late. I had things I wanted to tell him... That I loved him, and admired his will to fight. He faced cancer and was so optimistic that he was going to beat it. I wanted to tell him to meet my grandma in heaven, and tell her I love her and I miss her. I wanted to tell him I looked up to him, and that I was so glad we spent time together in Tulsa, laughing and talking.
I guess when I look at the big picture, he knew most of these things. He must've known that I was on my way home, and that it was okay to just stop fighting. The last thing I told him before I left him and mom in Tulsa was, "Love ya!" The last thing he asked me was when he'd see me again. I told him very soon, and I think he knew. I don't think he wanted me to see him at Hospice. And I didn't. I didn't go back into his room to say goodbye. I knew if he wanted me to see him, he would've waited until I got there. I knew he was headed to see my grandma... And I know he told her how much we miss her, and how much we love her. I know he was at peace when he left this world, and that's what matters most.
This whole journey has been tough. I look back at six years of dealing with cancer. My grandma's first diagnosis, with breast cancer, was in 2004. She battled breast cancer and won, only to be diagnosed with small cell lung cancer (and later brain cancer) shortly after. My stepdad battled throat cancer twice, and ended up having a complete laryngectomy. And then there was Pap, and his battle with cancer. Throw in friends and friends of friends with cancer, and you get six years of being tired of this disease.
I spent a lot of time in Fort Myers thinking... And growing up. The thinking was mainly about my own lifestyle, and the future. I need to make changes in my life to make sure cancer isn't something I have to battle. If Pap could battle the disease, surely I can battle the prevention. Little by little, I've been trying to change my diet and lifestyle. I need to eat better and lose weight. I'm already a step ahead, because I'm not a smoker. The growing up part came from realizing that as the "baby" of the family, I'll likely have a lot of responsibilities ahead of me. I'm my mother's only child... I'll be the one who has to make the important decisions when she gets older. Neither my aunt nor my uncle are married yet, or have children... If they never marry or have kids, I'll probably be left to make decisions for them, too. I don't talk to my dad, and I'm not close with anyone on his side of the family... So that whittles my family down to Mom, Uncle Frank, and Aunt Danie. Mom and Frank are smokers... Which is a whole new can of worms, but we won't get into that.
So... There it is. A very big, very long, very emotional update. I hate these kinds of blog posts... But sometimes, they're necessary. I promise there are good things happening in my life... But for now, this is what I need to get off my chest. I still don't feel like I have a good sense of closure... I didn't feel that way when my grandma passed, either. Neither one of them wanted a funeral or a service, so we didn't have one. On the day that I flew out of Fort Myers, mom went and picked up Pap's ashes... Which I guess was like closure, but it didn't feel like it. It felt abrupt. I'm still waiting for that closure... For Pap and for Nan. I have a feeling it's something I'm going to keep searching for until I find it.
Apparently, life is about searching... Soul searching, searching for closure, searching for the truth, searching for meaning... I hope I find whatever it is I'm looking for.
--Malaya
