Endings and Beginnings

This blog has been left unattended for far too long... I've known for several weeks that an update was much needed, but I honestly haven't had the motivation. Call it laziness, call it craziness, call it what you like... It just hasn't been there.

I guess the most pressing piece of news is that my grandpa lost his battle with cancer.

...That's a lot harder to type than I thought it would be.

Moving on... What began with a diagnosis some eight months ago resulted in his very abrupt passing. He spent September through January trying all kinds of at-home treatments... Major changes in his diet and lifestyle, drinking "swamp water" from a guy in Port Charlotte, sitting in a "magic chair" with some other local guy, along with just thinking positively. This in itself was a major battle... About 3% of the people who are diagnosed with his cancer live past 10 months. Of that 3%, very few make it to the 11th month. So when conventional treatments mixed with home remedies failed, he came to Tulsa. The Cancer Treatment Center of America hospital combined cutting edge technology with old school homeopathic remedies. He did really well out here... Until about Easter, when I visited him and discovered he was having some major hallucinations. And between Easter and May 3rd, he slid fast downhill.

He came back to Tulsa a week before he died, and they told him that the cancer had progressed, and spread to his liver. I sat in the room with him, my mom, and his doctor as he relayed the news. The doctor said that if Pap was his dad, he wouldn't continue treatment. Pap's response was that he was going to see his wife; my grandma who lost her battle with this cancer four years ago. He told everyone this as he shared the news... "But I get to go see my wife."

I cried. A lot. Mom and Pap flew back to Fort Myers, and I got a flight out shortly after they returned home. I ended up getting a flight sooner than I would have liked, but it worked out for the better. My flight was scheduled to land at about 6:20pm Monday night. Pap passed at about 5:28pm.

I remember walking down the hall at hospice... A long, wide, empty hall. Hospice is made to look like a comforting place, but I felt everything but comfortable. I came around the corner, and there stood my mom, uncle, aunt, and a close friend of my aunt's (Allison). I was carrying my backpack, still in a daze from almost 12 hours of airports and airplanes. My stepdad (Butch) picked me up at the airport, and said very little about Pap or his condition... I think my brain knew the chances of him hanging on until I got home were slim, but my heart had to remain optimistic to just get me there.

Mom told me he had passed, and I felt my knees buckle. I hugged her, and fell apart. I felt so defeated; like I tried so hard to get home, and I was too late. I had things I wanted to tell him... That I loved him, and admired his will to fight. He faced cancer and was so optimistic that he was going to beat it. I wanted to tell him to meet my grandma in heaven, and tell her I love her and I miss her. I wanted to tell him I looked up to him, and that I was so glad we spent time together in Tulsa, laughing and talking.

I guess when I look at the big picture, he knew most of these things. He must've known that I was on my way home, and that it was okay to just stop fighting. The last thing I told him before I left him and mom in Tulsa was, "Love ya!" The last thing he asked me was when he'd see me again. I told him very soon, and I think he knew. I don't think he wanted me to see him at Hospice. And I didn't. I didn't go back into his room to say goodbye. I knew if he wanted me to see him, he would've waited until I got there. I knew he was headed to see my grandma... And I know he told her how much we miss her, and how much we love her. I know he was at peace when he left this world, and that's what matters most.

This whole journey has been tough. I look back at six years of dealing with cancer. My grandma's first diagnosis, with breast cancer, was in 2004.  She battled breast cancer and won, only to be diagnosed with small cell lung cancer (and later brain cancer) shortly after. My stepdad battled throat cancer twice, and ended up having a complete laryngectomy. And then there was Pap, and his battle with cancer. Throw in friends and friends of friends with cancer, and you get six years of being tired of this disease.

I spent a lot of time in Fort Myers thinking... And growing up. The thinking was mainly about my own lifestyle, and the future. I need to make changes in my life to make sure cancer isn't something I have to battle. If Pap could battle the disease, surely I can battle the prevention. Little by little, I've been trying to change my diet and lifestyle. I need to eat better and lose weight. I'm already a step ahead, because I'm not a smoker. The growing up part came from realizing that as the "baby" of the family, I'll likely have a lot of responsibilities ahead of me. I'm my mother's only child... I'll be the one who has to make the important decisions when she gets older. Neither my aunt nor my uncle are married yet, or have children... If they never marry or have kids, I'll probably be left to make decisions for them, too. I don't talk to my dad, and I'm not close with anyone on his side of the family... So that whittles my family down to Mom, Uncle Frank, and Aunt Danie. Mom and Frank are smokers... Which is a whole new can of worms, but we won't get into that.

So... There it is. A very big, very long, very emotional update. I hate these kinds of blog posts... But sometimes, they're necessary. I promise there are good things happening in my life... But for now, this is what I need to get off my chest. I still don't feel like I have a good sense of closure... I didn't feel that way when my grandma passed, either. Neither one of them wanted a funeral or a service, so we didn't have one. On the day that I flew out of Fort Myers, mom went and picked up Pap's ashes... Which I guess was like closure, but it didn't feel like it. It felt abrupt. I'm still waiting for that closure... For Pap and for Nan. I have a feeling it's something I'm going to keep searching for until I find it.

Apparently, life is about searching... Soul searching, searching for closure, searching for the truth, searching for meaning... I hope I find whatever it is I'm looking for.

--Malaya

"Wild Pets"

So, I bought this today:

...Because I really want a small pet. Yeah, I know... Makes no sense, right? Well, because of this inconveniently crazy pipelining lifestyle, it's super hard to have pets. I'm really pushing my luck with the dogs, so a fish or a bird or a hamster would be a logistical nightmare. (I envision thousands of miles of highway and me with a fish bowl in my lap. Hah.) Enter the birdfeeder. Portable, removable, packable. It attracts birds wherever it is located, and I get the pleasure of watching them from my window. Not quite the cute little beta fishie of my dreams... But maybe it'll keep me occupied for a little while.

I also received 2 out of 3 packages of scrapbooking supplies today... To compile our scrapbook of the Tulsa Zoo! EEEEEE! So excited. I've really missed scrapbooking. It's nice to have a creative outlet that doesn't necessarily require a lot of artistic skill. If you can use a glue stick and peel off stickers, you can scrapbook. Not to mention the awesomeness of the pictures we took... Seriously, the prints stunned me. I had no idea my little camera was capable of such greatness. So between birds and scrapbooking and FarmVille, I should be kept busy through the end of this project. Which is probably coming up sometime in May. :-/

BUT. We're not gonna think about that. Because I don't wanna.

Not much else has happened... Pap has gone back to Fort Myers for about 10 days before he has to come back for another scan and some tests. So, for now, his treatments are done. Just waiting for some side affects to wear off before we really determine what the outcome is. My mom is being Super Pessimist Lady, which is kind of annoying... But I guess I can't blame her. Not like we're strangers to this whole cancer thing. I feel like I could write a frickin' book on it. Ugh.

Anyways... That's all the news that is news for now. Gonna make Skip put up my bird feeder when he gets home and hopefully watch the birds flock to it. Fingers crossed!!

--Malaya

Spring!

Ah, the changing of the seasons. Who would've known I'd fall in love so quickly? Florida's ever-green state will never be so appealing to me as a place where Winter turns to Spring, Spring to Summer, Summer to Fall, and Fall to Winter.

The trees here in Oklahoma are getting their leaves back... And the grass is green and full of all kinds of little flowers. Neighborhoods are full of yards in bloom... Tulips, daylillies, daffodils, crocuses... It's all so wonderful. Spring might just be my second most favorite season, after Fall, that is.

Not much has been going on here... Had an Easter dinner at our place, which was just shy of bittersweet. My grandpa was supposed to come out for the day, but he hasn't been feeling up to it. Actually, he's been hallucinating a bit... We're not sure what's causing it, but it's definitely cause for some concern. He should be finished with treatments by the 14th, and will hopefully be heading back to Florida soon. So we'll see how all that goes.

Wait... Easter! Easter dinner was interesting. I've never cooked for that many people before, so it was definitely a learning experience. Skip helped out with everything, which made it all that much easier. He actually saved the day, when a leaky tinfoil pan tried to ruin my ham... I was on the verge of tears, and all he could say was, "BAAAAAABBBBYYYYY! It's gonna be OOOOOKKKAAAAAYYY!" He did ruin two of my kitchen towels trying to get the mess out of the oven... But I seriously couldn't get mad about it. He saved the day! Towels are replaceable.

I've spent much of this morning researching tanning... Tanning beds, tanning salons, effects of tanning, types of tanning, tips for tanning... And some of the information and advice I was given was sort of startling. The risks associated with conventional tanning beds are really kind of frightening. Skin cancer? No thanks. But yet, so many people I polled on facebook were all for it. I am constantly amazed at how people can willingly do something to their body that will ultimately kill them or cause them great harm. (Smoking? Indoor tanning?) After doing my homework, I've decided to try a spray-on tan. A place in town does them for a pretty reasonable amount, so I'm going to give it a try. I'll risk turning orange rather than getting melanoma. I think there's enough cancer in my family history... Why increase my odds?

I also discovered that the tree outside our apartment is a Sycamore... Which I know isn't headline news, but it's puzzled us since we moved here. The seed pods are really unusual, and it's pretty much the last tree in the complex to start getting its leaves back. I'm thinking about getting a bird/squirrell feeder to hang in it, once it gets some more leaves.

Time to start working on dinner... Dijon Chicken? Sounds good to me. :)

--Malaya

Well, hello there...

I'm really bad at blogging.

No seriously, I suck at this kind of stuff. Well, I guess it's 50% suck and neglect, and 50% we haven't had internet since moving out of the hotel and into an apartment. Heh.

For those of you following along at home, you read correctly! We're in an apartment in Oklahoma! WOO! Well, kind of. We *should* be here until June-ish, since the construction company decided to get off their ass and do some work move forward with this phase of the project. So in many ways, life is good. We got into the apartment, which has drastically slashed our cost of living. I cook meals, I clean, I do laundry, I make the boys at work muffins... And I do their laundry, too, sometimes, and they pay me for it... Which is like, freakin' awesome. I already have about 25% of the anticipated cost of the new purple netbook I want. WOOT.

In other news... For those of you who have perhaps not been in "the loop"... My grandpa has been out here in Broken Arrow/Tulsa, at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America hospital. He has lung cancer and brain cancer, and they've been doing some really cutting edge treatments for him to help get some of this under control. Once a week or so for about four weeks, I went out to the hospital to "babysit" him after his procedures. He's finished with the treatments on his lungs, gone home for a few days, and now he's back for 26 rounds of radiation for cancer in his brain. He seems to be doing really well, but our family knows cancer all too well. Especially small-cell, metastasizing lung and brain cancer. It's the same stuff my grandma had, and she's been gone almost 3 years. BUT... Optimism is easier than realism, so that's where I'll stay.

Moving right along...

I've actually become quite the chef out here in Oklahoma. With Skip and I not dieting super hardcore, I've got a little more freedom with our dinner selections. I cook about 6 nights of the week, and I have yet to repeat a recipe. So that's roughly 24 new and exciting dishes that I've mastered. Well, mostly mastered. Some things will take minor tweaking to be perfect. I've even whipped up some pretty delicious muffins from scratch that the guys at work have just loved. And I'm pretty sure my big giant pans of lasagna that I took to them will go down in history. Just sayin'. But I really have learned to love cooking... Whereas, in the past, I kind of dreaded it. I have also found a really unhealthy love of meal planning and grocery shopping... I spend about 2 hours a week getting together my recipes for the next week, and then creating a list for the store, organized by aisle and department. Neurotic as it may be, I really enjoy it. Like, really. It's often the highlight of me week.

Other than all of that, my life is rather boring. Oklahoma is an "interesting" state... Full of "interesting" people. If I'm not at Wal-Mart, I'm playing FarmTown or FarmVille on Facebook. Or maybe I'm doing laundry... Which is now pretty much an everyday kind of task. I make muffins, I cook, I play with dogs... I'm pretty much a little old lady now!

Hah. Yeah, right.

More posts will be on the way... I SWEAR. I will not fail at this blog. I will not fail at this blog. I will not fail at this... OH LOOK!

--Malaya