Things I Know

I am:

• Imperfect.
• The daughter of a woman and a man who couldn't make their marriage work.
• In love with a man who is my everything.
• Silly, weird, awkward, clumsy, and funny.
• Concerned about what people think about me.
• Shy, self-conscious, and my own worst enemy.
• Open-minded, patient, respectful, and passionate.
• The product of a family that didn't have a lot of money, but had a lot of love.
• Fifty-percent of an amazing soon-to-be husband and wife team.
• Easily hurt by the things people say about me.

I am NOT:

• Required to allow people to judge me unfairly.
• Going to be hurt by the things people say behind my back.
• Allowing negativity in my life anymore.
• Going to let anyone ruin our wedding day.
• Required to pretend to be anyone other than myself.
• Required to like everyone at all times.
• Ashamed of my past, my present, or my future.
• Going to keep my feelings bottled up anymore.
• Going to try so hard for things that aren't worth the effort.
• Ashamed of who I am.

Sorry this is a weird post today, folks... It was kind of a weird weekend. Lots of processing in progress, and processing to be done. I miss my friends, and I miss my family. I want it to be October, so I can plop myself down in a room full of love and awesome people. I want to get the wedding done and over with, so we can open up a new chapter in our lives.

But seriously... I need friends and family. I love you guys (I know *someone* reads this thing), and I miss you like crazy. You all might BE crazy, but you're the best people I could ask for. Seriousness.

Love across the miles,

--Malaya

Furkids are expensive.

Milo Monster has bladder stones. The vet says he needs $650 worth of surgery and medicine to make him all better. :(

Skipper and I don't just have $650 lying around... But we're going to make something work. He told me on the phone, "Just make the appointment. I'm not gonna let anything happen to Milo." I love him, really I do. I have no clue where we're going to cut $650 out of the wedding budget... Seriously, there's nowhere left to cut from. But we'll make it work. We always do. Milo is my buddy, my first dog ever... And he means the world to me.

I'm trying to be a strong momma for him... But I know I'm gonna bawl my eyes out next week when they take him in for surgery. He's my baby... I love him to pieces. I worry like a crazy person about my furkids.

So a week of antibiotics... And then a day of surgery. Then hopefully he'll be back to normal. I wuv my widdle puppydoggie. <3

--Malaya

Where were you two years ago?!

Skip texted me just now to tell me he turned down a job offer.

An old supervisor called and offered him a job as a Party Chief (translation: guy-in-charge) for a pipeline surveying company in Illinois. He would've had his own company truck, and lots of other cool perks.

They didn't even get to the part about the money.

Skip told him he wasn't interested. He told the guy that he was done traveling, and was happy where he is here in Kansas City (with his hot wife-to-be).

Skip also told me his uncle let him know that he has work for him, if things slow down here in KCMO.

Where the hell was all this job security 2 years ago?! Where were all these offers of steady work when we needed them? Skip spent 2+ years working for a few months, then getting laid off indefinitely. Now that we have a stable, settled-down life, he has job offers out the wah-zoo. What gives, universe?!

I guess I shouldn't complain... My husband-to-be is so awesome, he has his past employers calling and throwing work at him. Even past employers that didn't like him very much. Hah. I'm proud of him... He loves what he does, and he does it well. It's taken us a long time to get to where we are now, and I only see things getting better from here on out.

--Malaya

Mayday, mayday!

Skip came home earlier than I expected him to last night... Which was cool and all, I like seeing his face. I was sprawled out on the floor with a pile of our wedding invitations, slapping stamps on the outer envelopes. I was watching some chick show on TLC, the dogs were napping... A little moment of peace, if you will.

And then, he dropped a bomb. It went a little something like this:

Skip- "Oh yea, so, Mom called me today."
Me- "Oh? How's Mom? Busy working and stuff?"
Skip- "Her and Bill are gonna be here tomorrow night. They're staying with us."
Me- *deer in headlights face*
Skip- "I think they're bringing Joseph." (Grandkid)
Me- *freak out face"
Skip- "Oh, and their 2 yorkies."
Me- *omg dogs face*
Skip- "And maybe Brendan too... I don't remember." (Other grandkid)
Me- *PANIC FACE*

I instantly dropped the pile of envelopes, grabbed a bottle of some obscure cleaning supply and got to work. Skip started laughing uncontrollably. I threw dirty socks at him. I stripped the sheets off the bed, sprayed the tub with Tilex, and started wiping down all the flat surfaces that collect dust. Fired up the washer and the dryer. Then I started cooking dinner.

At some point, in the midst of cooking said dinner, Skip's mom called him. And told him they weren't going to be staying with us. They're getting a hotel down the highway from us. *slight relief face* They are bringing the grandkids and both dogs. I'm still not clear as to whether or not we're dog-sitting for them. *slight panic face*

The apartment isn't in bad shape, per se, but it's the first time they've seen our place... So I'm feeling kind of pressured. I feel like I need to prove myself as a worthy housewife... I can't let her think her son is marrying a slob, can I? Heck no! I'm a clean-freak with a slight case of organizational OCD. I need to make sure she knows this the instant she enters our abode.

At least they're not staying with us... There's a big difference between "people staying here"-clean and "people just visiting"-clean. I don't have to scrub down every single square inch of my bathroom. I don't have to make sure every single speck of dust is eradicated. They'll only be there for a short visit, and hopefully they won't be inspecting the place with a magnifying glass. *fingers-crossed face*

In other news... My weight loss adventure is going quite well. I've lost 23 pounds since March 1st. That's pretty big, right? I'm noticing it in little places... My jeans are looser, my shirts fit better, I'm starting to get my hip bones and collar bone back... I have a long way to go until I reach my Ultimate Goal Weight, but you gotta start somewhere. I tried my wedding dress on yesterday, and it's feeling loose... So maybe I'll be a skinny lady come October.

Everything else in life is going good... Job is good, Skip is good, dogs are (cute) good, Jeep is good... Wedding planning is good... Money is... Not plentiful enough, but weddings kind of suck the money out of your bank account. I'm definitely looking forward to getting this party over with, so I can have my paycheck back.

Toodles!

--Malaya

Endings and Beginnings

This blog has been left unattended for far too long... I've known for several weeks that an update was much needed, but I honestly haven't had the motivation. Call it laziness, call it craziness, call it what you like... It just hasn't been there.

I guess the most pressing piece of news is that my grandpa lost his battle with cancer.

...That's a lot harder to type than I thought it would be.

Moving on... What began with a diagnosis some eight months ago resulted in his very abrupt passing. He spent September through January trying all kinds of at-home treatments... Major changes in his diet and lifestyle, drinking "swamp water" from a guy in Port Charlotte, sitting in a "magic chair" with some other local guy, along with just thinking positively. This in itself was a major battle... About 3% of the people who are diagnosed with his cancer live past 10 months. Of that 3%, very few make it to the 11th month. So when conventional treatments mixed with home remedies failed, he came to Tulsa. The Cancer Treatment Center of America hospital combined cutting edge technology with old school homeopathic remedies. He did really well out here... Until about Easter, when I visited him and discovered he was having some major hallucinations. And between Easter and May 3rd, he slid fast downhill.

He came back to Tulsa a week before he died, and they told him that the cancer had progressed, and spread to his liver. I sat in the room with him, my mom, and his doctor as he relayed the news. The doctor said that if Pap was his dad, he wouldn't continue treatment. Pap's response was that he was going to see his wife; my grandma who lost her battle with this cancer four years ago. He told everyone this as he shared the news... "But I get to go see my wife."

I cried. A lot. Mom and Pap flew back to Fort Myers, and I got a flight out shortly after they returned home. I ended up getting a flight sooner than I would have liked, but it worked out for the better. My flight was scheduled to land at about 6:20pm Monday night. Pap passed at about 5:28pm.

I remember walking down the hall at hospice... A long, wide, empty hall. Hospice is made to look like a comforting place, but I felt everything but comfortable. I came around the corner, and there stood my mom, uncle, aunt, and a close friend of my aunt's (Allison). I was carrying my backpack, still in a daze from almost 12 hours of airports and airplanes. My stepdad (Butch) picked me up at the airport, and said very little about Pap or his condition... I think my brain knew the chances of him hanging on until I got home were slim, but my heart had to remain optimistic to just get me there.

Mom told me he had passed, and I felt my knees buckle. I hugged her, and fell apart. I felt so defeated; like I tried so hard to get home, and I was too late. I had things I wanted to tell him... That I loved him, and admired his will to fight. He faced cancer and was so optimistic that he was going to beat it. I wanted to tell him to meet my grandma in heaven, and tell her I love her and I miss her. I wanted to tell him I looked up to him, and that I was so glad we spent time together in Tulsa, laughing and talking.

I guess when I look at the big picture, he knew most of these things. He must've known that I was on my way home, and that it was okay to just stop fighting. The last thing I told him before I left him and mom in Tulsa was, "Love ya!" The last thing he asked me was when he'd see me again. I told him very soon, and I think he knew. I don't think he wanted me to see him at Hospice. And I didn't. I didn't go back into his room to say goodbye. I knew if he wanted me to see him, he would've waited until I got there. I knew he was headed to see my grandma... And I know he told her how much we miss her, and how much we love her. I know he was at peace when he left this world, and that's what matters most.

This whole journey has been tough. I look back at six years of dealing with cancer. My grandma's first diagnosis, with breast cancer, was in 2004.  She battled breast cancer and won, only to be diagnosed with small cell lung cancer (and later brain cancer) shortly after. My stepdad battled throat cancer twice, and ended up having a complete laryngectomy. And then there was Pap, and his battle with cancer. Throw in friends and friends of friends with cancer, and you get six years of being tired of this disease.

I spent a lot of time in Fort Myers thinking... And growing up. The thinking was mainly about my own lifestyle, and the future. I need to make changes in my life to make sure cancer isn't something I have to battle. If Pap could battle the disease, surely I can battle the prevention. Little by little, I've been trying to change my diet and lifestyle. I need to eat better and lose weight. I'm already a step ahead, because I'm not a smoker. The growing up part came from realizing that as the "baby" of the family, I'll likely have a lot of responsibilities ahead of me. I'm my mother's only child... I'll be the one who has to make the important decisions when she gets older. Neither my aunt nor my uncle are married yet, or have children... If they never marry or have kids, I'll probably be left to make decisions for them, too. I don't talk to my dad, and I'm not close with anyone on his side of the family... So that whittles my family down to Mom, Uncle Frank, and Aunt Danie. Mom and Frank are smokers... Which is a whole new can of worms, but we won't get into that.

So... There it is. A very big, very long, very emotional update. I hate these kinds of blog posts... But sometimes, they're necessary. I promise there are good things happening in my life... But for now, this is what I need to get off my chest. I still don't feel like I have a good sense of closure... I didn't feel that way when my grandma passed, either. Neither one of them wanted a funeral or a service, so we didn't have one. On the day that I flew out of Fort Myers, mom went and picked up Pap's ashes... Which I guess was like closure, but it didn't feel like it. It felt abrupt. I'm still waiting for that closure... For Pap and for Nan. I have a feeling it's something I'm going to keep searching for until I find it.

Apparently, life is about searching... Soul searching, searching for closure, searching for the truth, searching for meaning... I hope I find whatever it is I'm looking for.

--Malaya

First Day of Spring, First Snowman Ever.

You read that correctly, folks! It's the first day of Spring, and I, at age 23, have just constructed my first snowman... EVER. I know! Epic.

Here he is! His name is Earl:


Other than snow and snowmen... Nothing is going on. LOL Pryor is more or less the most boring place on the planet, and I live an equally boring day-to-day life. Hence the reason I don't post new entries very often. Ok, I can't say that with a straight face. The truth is, I really procrastinate with these entries. I start one, wait about a week, then come back and delete the draft and try to start over. I love writing, but these blog entries are like those stupid 5 paragraph essays from school. It's monotonous.

And I really don't have anything interesting to write about. HAH.

Making muffins is still happening... I guess that's kind of exciting? I've come across some really tasty recipes, and they've been a hit with the guys at work. I love baking... It's really a theraputic type of thing for me. I like making the things I cook look really appetizing... Like decorating my muffins with just the right amount of chopped/sliced nuts, and a sprinkle of coarsely ground sugar. I like how they look when they're all done. Maybe I should be a food stylist when I grow up?

Nah. I'd much rather make a living making cupcakes. Seriously. If I could figure out how to make cupcakes into a lucrative career, I'd be on that like white on rice. If I could combine my love of cupcakes, shopping, puppies, and scrapbooking into one super-mega-career, I'd be set. But I'm thinking all of those things combined might be a disaster. But the cupcakes... I need to make that happen. If anyone has a couple thousand George Washington's they'd like to loan me to get this going, that'd be super.

OH. I also entered into this NCAA bracket thing with Skip and the guys at work... Where you pick which basketball teams are gonna win and stuff. I put in two brackets at $5 apiece... And I'm doing pretty good, all things considered. (And by "all things" I mean the fact that I don't really follow college basketball AT ALL. lolz) I'm actually kind of into it... Well, not the games, per se... But just the outcome. I love checking the ESPN ScoreCenter app on my phone to see how many wins I got. It's so satisfying to highlight the teams that won, and scratch out the ones that lost. That, and I really like repeating the name, "Gonzaga." GON-ZAAAAAH-GAAAAAH. Heh.

I'll leave you now with some snow-y snapshots... Hurrah!

--Malaya

Just Part of the Lifestyle...

Last night, Skip got news that the project may be put on hold for an indefinite amount of time. Apparently the construction crews haven't been able to get work done because of the weather, which has held up the surveying crew from getting things done. They were to have a meeting this morning to discuss the official decision, which would determine whether or not the surveying crews got laid off. We spent the whole evening more or less on edge, Skip thinking the worst and hoping for the best, and me just trying to be a positive little ray of sunshine.

Skip went into work this morning as usual... And less than an hour after he left, he came back home.

There still isn't a 'definite' answer. The guys are still employed, but spent much of today doing absolutely nothing. Skip was in the hotel with me all day. They apparently decided to push through 29 road bores, or places where the pipe has to go underneath a roadway, in the next 3 weeks or so. This leaves very little work for the survey guys, as they more or less just sit in the truck and watch them push pipe through the ground. The chances of them keeping the surveyors out here are pretty slim, as there's not much sense in paying them to do nothing. They may end up sending them home, and then bringing them back in a month or two when the ground has dried up enough for the construction company to work on the right of way. For now, though, it's mostly up in the air.

Just as quickly as we got sent here, we could be going home. My life may, for a brief time, no longer be 'On the Line.' This is very typical of pipelining. I'm really not too surprised.

This, of course, throws a wrench into a lot of things. For One, we just spent a small fortune renting a car to get me and the dogs out here. For Two, I just told Publix (my former employer) that I'd be gone for the next six months or more. Three, my grandpa will be about 45 minutes away in Tulsa receiving concentrated/pin-point chemotherapy for his cancer over a period of the next 4 weeks. Four, we really have no affordable place to stay, as the hotel is costing somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,000 a month. But getting into a lease isn't necessarily practical, either, as he may get sent to Oregon or Texas or anywhere else in the contiguous 48 states at the drop of a hat.

For now, the tentative plan is to pack up once he gets officially laid off, and head for his mom's house in Missouri. There, we are at least centrally located in the US, so wherever he is sent next isn't a ridiculous road trip away. Hopefully I'll still be able to come to Tulsa for Pap's treatments... Really, that's one of my bigger concerns. I'm the only member of our family out this far, and he really sounds like he wants me there for after these procedures. I've already prepared my Big Girl Panties for this whole situation, because quite frankly, it terrifies me. It's not easy thinking that I'm the closest next-of-kin should anything go wrong. But... That's a story for a whole other blog post.

So, here I am. Waiting for news, good or bad. This kind of thing happens every day in this line of work, but I really wasn't anticipating it so soon. I haven't even been here one full week. Had I known it would be this soon, I would have stayed in Fort Myers a little while longer. But... We can't live in the "coulda-woulda-shoulda's", right?

All that aside... I love this kid to death. He's currently laying on the bed, and in a little voice, saying, "Baaaaabbbbbyyyyyyy, do yooou know how beautiful you aaaarrrreee?" He's such a weirdo. But he makes me laugh, and I love that. At a time when I want to worry and freak out about everything, he constantly assures me that everything is going to be okay.




"It's gonna be okay, babe. I got this."