Seriously. The questions people ask me are ridiculous. And they ask them over and over and over. Like, the same person will ask me the same question 56 times. And it's never like, vitally important questions. People also don't talk amongst themselves, so I get the same questions from tons of different people.
Some examples:
Q: What colors the bridesmaids are wearing?
A: Fall colors. Red, orange, wine, and brown. Yes, four different colors, and yes, four different dresses. I know they won't match. It's okay, I promise.
Q: What color should the women family members wear?
A: Any shade of whateveryouwanttowear will be just fine.
Q: What the male family members wearing?
A: My dad wearing a tux, since he's physically "in" the wedding. Everyone else can wear whatevertheywanttowear.
Q: What is the dresscode?
A: Clothes. You need to wear clothes. Not a ballgown, and not cutoffs and a sleeveless tee shirt, either. But mostly, just cover your naughty bits.
Q: What's the weather going to be like?
A: Either hot or cold. I suggest checking the forecast before you pack your bags. Florida is a little unpredictable in October, and my crystal ball is on the fritz.
Q: What if it rains?
A: The wedding and reception are both indoors. I promise I thought about this stuff.
Q: What time is the wedding?
A: READ THE INVITATION I PAID FOR, ADDRESSED, STAMPED, AND MAILED TO YOU. kthx.
Q: How much is the wedding costing you?
A: A lot. A whole lot. A whole lot more than I'm going to tell you. If you're concerned, though, we're accepting cash donations in the form of large, uncirculated bills.
Q: What are your wedding colors?
A: "Fall Colors." Browns, reds, golds, oranges, etc. It's a variety. Crazy, I know. But Day-Glo orange is SO last year.
Q: Where are you getting your hair and makeup done?
A: Probably in the bathroom at my mom's house. Weddings are expensive, and my hair and makeup are kind of at the bottom of the list of crap that needs to be paid for. If you're treating, though, we can go wherever you like. I'd love to suggest a few salons in town.
Q: Can we get a picture of you and [relative's name] or you and Skip [posing explanation].
A: Sure. Tell the lady with the big fancy camera. I'm paying her a lot of money to do just that: take pictures of us. I seriously can't be responsible for remembering every single photographic pose and combination between now and October. My brain purges crap like that on the regular.
Q: Are you having music?
A: UM YES.
Q: Will there be an open bar?
A: Only if there's any liquor left after the bride is done drinking away her sorrows. You might want to BYOB, just in case.
Q: What does your dress look like?
A: It's big and white. You'll find out if you show up!
Q: Will your dad be there?
A: Nope. Haven't talked to him in 5 years. I don't want him anywhere within 3 square miles of me on the biggest day of my life.
Q: Your AUNT is your maid of honor?! How old IS she?!
A: Yes, she is. She's the closest thing I have to a sister, and we're very close. She is seven years older than me, which is 32 for those of you who can't do math. (Which makes me 25.)
Q: Are you getting married on the beach?
A: HELL TO THE NO.
Q: WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING MARRIED ON THE BEACH?!
A: For starters, we don't like the beach. I know, crazy. It's too sandy to be tromping around in a big white dress. Beach weddings are also a little too cliche for us, and they're expensive. Since you'll be in Florida for the wedding, why not plan a trip to the beach? It's really close, I swear.
Q: Who's paying for the wedding?
A: Um, we are. Skip is working like 50 brazillion hours of overtime to make this happen. We're accepting contributions, but we're also not holding our breath.
Q: Will you need help before the wedding?
A: YES. Absolutely. Show up at my mom's house every day at 6am with coffee and doughnuts, and we should have everything done by the time I'm ready to walk down the aisle. Bring friends, and/or extra hands.
Q: Where are you going for your honeymoon?
A: HAHAHAHAAHAAA. You think we'll have money leftover for a honeymoon! That's cute.
Q: How old is your flower girl?
A: I get this a lot, and I don't know why. But she'll be six on Christmas, and she's awesome.
Q: What is a brooch bouquet, and why are you doing that instead of flowers?
A: Google it. And flowers die. Brooches do not.
Q: Can I have the brooches when you're done?
A: That's a big negative, Ghostrider. I put a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and hours on eBay into this bouquet. And they're all hot-glued in there, so don't even try it, Stickyfingers McGee.
Q: Are you having a bridal shower?
A: Are you throwing me a bridal shower? 'Cause those are usually a surprise to the bride. Just sayin'.
Q: Are you paying for our hotel room?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. No.
I think that's it. There are probably more, but they're escaping my brain at the moment. This weekend, I'm turning my phone off and ignoring everyone, and their dumb questions. Seriously. I can't handle any more questions. I'm going to fix myself a lemondrop martini (or three), and park myself in front of the TV.
I am mentally checking out until Monday morning.
Peace, silence, and vodka,
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